Starting Over: What is a normal life?

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What is a normal life? Being an addict it seems so difficult to return to a “normal life”. I think about my life before it became unmanageable; I had a great job, a nice house that felt like a home. I was a super mom, my kids were happy and had stability and security, I taught them morals and values, went beyond the limits and made birthdays and holidays exciting and memorable. We had family traditions that we looked forward to every year. I worked at an early childhood learning center for many years, my kids went to work with me and I was so grateful to have that luxury. My job was my life, my second home. The woman I worked with were my friends, they were like my family. In the year of 2000 I started as a teacher and worked with all ages from 6 weeks old babies to 12-year-old adolescents, teaching was my passion for many years; in 2006 I was promoted to a supervisor/educational coordinator position. I put my all into the center; the business meant a lot to me. But thinking back I realized how much I was faking and hiding the truth about my depression and life at home. That’s where it all went bad. My husband was also hiding and faking his role as a father and a husband. He hid his addiction from me until 2012 when I became addicted to Vicodin after breaking my foot.  Ultimately until the drugs became a problem, my life was manageable and like many others lives, we lived pay check to pay check and had problems that were swept under the rug in order to thrive and give our children a home with both parents. That’s what society considered what a normal middle class family should look like. But the truth is that normal life was miserable at home and eventually the misery followed me at work.

 

Looking back is the worst thing I should do when moving forward. Getting back into that so-called normal life is not the life I want today as a recovering addict. In rehab we were taught that keeping it simple is the way to recovering and starting over.  That is the only thing I took from my 38 days in rehab. I have tried ever since to work and provide, but I still haven’t reached my goals to get a job I enjoy and a house I can finally call home, and most importantly reunite with my children. Its been three years and I am just now beginning to make the changes and take the steps to reaching my fullest potential. Working at a 9-5 job Monday through Friday is not what makes me happy.  I feel like I have figured out the way to getting my life back, the answer is simple; stop looking back stop wishing I had my old life back. That past life is the reason why I became an addict at 31 years old. So I am looking forward and I am going after the things I want out of life. Writing is my escape, my coping with the urge to just say “fuck it I am done.”  Figuring out my purpose in life was easy once I stopped feeling hopeless and depressed. My purpose is to help others; I believe God choose this path for me to gain experience , knowledge, and wisdom to understand the disease of addiction so I can share and teach other addicts. That is why I am writing a blog about my daily struggles living as an addict.  I always dreamed of being a writer, an author, a journalist something that allows me to share my thoughts, opinions, and experiences. Starting over does not scare me like it did before; I was afraid of failure, and losing my kids again because of relapse. I now enjoy the thought that I can be a writer, having my books published, and helping others understand and relate to this disease that has to be maintained daily and all the while earn money doing it.  A lot of people who are addicts that I’ve met throughout my years of active addiction are brilliant, talented, smart, kind, and loyal people. If only they could see their potential, and figure out their life purpose, they could recover and live a great life. It takes a lot of support from our families to believe in us, to encouraged and motivate us. Also I believe that connections and bonds with people who have experienced the lifestyle of addiction is a huge part of recovery. My point is I will never go back to my past life, I will never live a normal life, because I am not a normal average person.  I am starting to live a fulfilling life.  Following my dreams, believing the sky is the limit. I am a better and stronger person because of the shit I’ve been through. I am a survivor, a warrior and I will achieve my goals, start a new life that has no limits or barriers.  I am working hard to make my kids proud and to give them a new Super Better Mom. Adjusting and growing is what we have to endure and we will gain strength to rise up and live again.  Don’t give up, if you fall get back up, live your life how you want without substance and remember to always be grateful and humble yourself daily.