Finding Myself

Today I want to show some gratitude! It’s weird me being the one with a clear head and positive disposition on life. Because you’re my friend, I can’t say I got this, because for one, each day is a struggle and for two I can easily fall back into my self-pity any day and relapse. The outlook is good so far. I’m just grateful to have a person who has made me feel like the old me before my life went to shit going on 6 years ago. I thought I was lost forever, stuck, and had to settle with the an unhealthy marriage and a lifestyle of a drug addict. I was hopelessly sleep walking through the oblivious darkness of what I thought was meant to be my life. I always wished for a happy ending, like Sleeping Beauty, my Prince would come kiss me awake, rescue me from the evil queen and we’d live happily ever after. I was told I was being unrealistic, delusional, and irrational by people who believed in only the things that they could physically prove would work, like rehab, NA, medications etc. I’m not claiming those things do not work, I’m just saying I’m not crazy when I say human connection, love, a simple act of reuniting with an old friend has been the most effective treatment for my depression and addiction recovery. Therefore, in result I no longer feel the need to lay in bed all day until I find a buzz of some sort. In the last 5 weeks I have had two days where I laid in bed, neither had to do with depression or using. I haven’t looked forward to getting up in the morning since 2011. For the first time in years I’ve had no guilt shame or regret about anything I’ve been through or have done. Remorse is my new emotion for my past mistakes. So, my wish for a fairy tale ending wasn’t so crazy after all. I just needed to be seen through the eyes of someone who truly loved me. I needed to witness an act of sacrifice from a human being and his actions have been consistent, nothing has been changed since the day I reunited with him. There has not been one single sign that this is bullshit or that it is lust. Believe me when I say I’ve tried to find a flaw, a sign anything to prevent me from letting my guard down and I, like many mentally ill people, always try to sabotage my own happiness in fear of it being vulnerable to rejection and pain. This is my recovery this is what is working for me. I know there are still many obstacles to overcome, and I honestly am so ready for it to get difficult because I’m no longer afraid to face them. I want to try hard and if I fall I believe I can get back up and try again. If I can prove this to be true I would because this world has given up on the power of love; it has many ways of healing the sick, the sad, the damaged, and the evillest things in this world. Isn’t that what God is? Love? I hope everyone close to me will be able to witness this miracle I’ve experienced. A true miracle from God. People that come and go in our lives are meant to be, they are the miracles that are chosen to influence and teach us life lessons, good or bad, the timing is impeccable and even way off but planned by God. I asked myself if he isn’t my soulmate and indeed is just an old friend who may come and go, will I return to my old lifestyle and wallow in self-pity again? I refuse to return to that, I will not go back. You see, my point is, yes God placed him in the right place at the right time because God knew what I needed to feel that love of a man and be reminded I’m worthy of being loved. He has made me feel important by listening to my story, showing me empathy without pity, telling me his story, and most of all showing me what he sees when he looks at me. He doesn’t see a victim of abuse or assault, or a woman that’s weak and vulnerable. he doesn’t see a drug addict or a worthless mother, or a cold and bitter person. He pointed out that it was amazing to see how I continue to care for others, especially after being hurt so many times. I said well that’s my weakness, I’m so invested in helping others I can’t even help myself. But that’s where I’m wrong, it’s not a weakness! It takes a strong person to find the will to help others when I needed help. I always say I was drowning, and no one cared to jump in and save me! That’s my self-pity talking when as I was trying to swim to safety I was saving others who were drowning then returning to the same deep waters only to repeat again and again. This realization was amazingly an eye opener; and all that swimming pulling dead weight to shore was building up massive amounts of strength but tiring me out. In changing the way, I thought about the situation I was able to look at many other things in different perspectives. I truly believe with every bit of my heart that he is my soulmate even if he’s temporarily here for the moment or the rest of our lives, but regardless he gave me the greatest gift ever; the ability to see my true self. The people around me seem to see a shift and have little to say yet sadly they too are unable to move forward and recover fully. Yet maybe they have seen the changes and some have spoken words in negativity, but I am not listening to the muffled whispering it doesn’t phase me, nor does the doubt that any may have about my change in moods, men, or hairstyles. I can no longer be influenced by those under the influence and I’m not trying to look or act a certain way for the acceptance of others. My purpose in life is to teach to mentor to coach the people who come to me in need. My writings are one way I want to reach out and help those like me. It just so happens to be that being a writer is possible, anything is possible if you really want it. I am glad I choose to share it with you! Even if you aren’t a dreamer like I am and do not believe in the fairy tale endings. You are my friend and if you are in need,I hope you find my blog to be inspiring. Your response and your feedback would be forever appreciated. Have a wonderful morning and remember to try a little love in your heart, today could be the beginning of your happily ever after but you’ll never know if you don’t get out there and start living. I dedicate this to my Gramps in loving memory, Lindy Lee Mann

Author: bmurphy1980

My name is Brandy, I am a 38 year old mother of four from Ohio who is on a journey of rediscovering the authenic me after losing my insight due to too many years of trying to make my marriage work and negleting my own self-care and self-love. I have battled with depression since I was 12 years old. At the age of 30 and a few traumatic events life became unmanagable due to severe depression, I began to self medicate with pain pills. I have been battling opiate addiction since 2011. My addiction caused me to lose everything, including my four children, my job as a educator. I am now in recovery trying to stay clean, reunite with my kids and live a mindful life. My purpose in life has always been to help others, so here I am doing just that by sharing my experiences and daily struggles with addiction and my mental health issues. I am here to let you know that recovery is possible if you trust the process and take care of the real problem behind the solution to use drugs. I hope you find something in my posts that inspires you to rediscover the inner warrior that you truly are.

5 thoughts on “Finding Myself”

  1. Im not speechless but i am at a lost for words after such a performance!!! This document alone has the potential to relieve thousands who are addicted and lookin for a way out!!! Your thoughts are amazing and your explanation of them is full of detail and imagery!!! Bravo brandy👏👏👏 Bravo!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I was very happy to discover this website. I wanted to thank you for ones time for this particularly fantastic read!!
    I definitely enjoyed every little bit of it and i also have
    you saved to fav to check out new things in your blog.

    Like

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